My Princess can out-vomit you
Inspired by SEDA's comment on Lady Head's blog I felt I must share something with all of you.
Lady Head is the best vomiter evah!
Seriously. She's a pro.
Let's look at a couple typical vomiting experiences of someone who's not Lady Head.
1) "YYAAARRRRGGGHH! I am fucking AWESOME! WOOOO! Gimme a shot. Whatever dude, I don't care. Hey. HEY! C'mon dude do a shot with me. C'mon pussy. Dude don't be suck a pussy! What's that? Some kind of pussy drink? Jack DANIELS! Hey! Two Jack Daniels! Alright dude, this is to you and me." -gulp-
At this point you start sweating, staring downwards, and holding onto the bar with an underhand grip. You do the watery spit, someone says "Hey are you OK" and SPLAT! all over the bar,carpet,Shirt, shoes, etc. People try and help you out without actually touching you and much embarrassment has been caused.
2) OK, you're not like that. You're on your 10th sangria (Joanne makes the best fucking sangria). All of a sudden you don't feel so well. Being the seasoned drinker, you recognize the symptoms and hightail it to the nearest john. Let's say this time you make it. Pretty proud of yourself? Why? For you the party's over. No one can talk to you. Ooh, the tile is so nice and cool against your face. "Please go away. I'm fine." And you'll be monopolizing the bathroom for the rest of the night. And maybe your friend that was about to hook up with that hot neuroscientist has to try and get you home while worrying the whole time if you're going to be OK and staying with you so you don't choke on vomit like Jimi Hendrix.
Now let's examine one of Lady Head's typical vomiting experiences.
She's been pounding straight stoli's since 1pm. After she just told you EXACTLY what she thinks of your lameness she walks in the other room. Her hot husband walks in and she's in the living room with a bucket. Yep, not only did she walk to the laundry room and got a bucket to prevent a mess, but she's not monopolizing any bathrooms. And she's talking to you. "Do you want me to leave Lady Head?", "No you're fine." and she just has a conversation with you RIGHT THERE AND THEN THEREFORE ALLEVIATING WORRY ABOUT HER CONDITION. And the party isn't over for her, no one has to leave, and her friend gets hot neuroscientist sex. Shit then we play Cranium and her sculpting skills win the game for her team.
You're all a bunch of sissies.
posted by The Head @ 4:09 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
i definitely need a lesson or two from lady head. i sadly fall into category 2 (well, i guess that's better than 1). i puked on friday morning after the glorious cubs game. i knew i had to work friday morning, but the alcoholism got to me as usual. after making several drunken emails (lady head included) and an obnoxious blog entry, i decided it was time for bed. i woke up for work in the morning, showered, drank several large glasses of v-8 juice, started feeling a little shitty, told husband i was feeling ill, he proceeded to grunt, i took a swig of pepto, then violently vomited all over the toliet (inside thankfully). this was pretty nasty-ass vomit. imagine warm v-8 charging out of your mouth, with random globs of pepto combined, first thing in the morning, on your way to work. not good, not good at all. i wiped off my mouth then went crying into the bedroom for some husband comfort, only to find out that he had laid there listening to me puke and cry, and didn't even lift a lousy finger to help. all he could say was, "you should lie down," which i did. when i woke up an hour later to leave for work, i wondered what the orange splashes on my red shirt could be...did i get bleach on it?...oh, i know what it is!!! yay!!!!!
SEDA
Boy was that graphic. I could feel your pain, SEDA, and almost smell the bile-laden tomato juice regurgitate myself. Yummy! Ash-hole is a bad husband. I'm surprised he didnt turn the sound up on Three's Company while you were puking. My husband washes out my barf-bucket for me between yacks. Now that's true love.
The Lady Head is inspiring and affirming.
A favorite memory of my friend Brendan and i is about the time the two of us and his bitch ass crazy spiteful lazy social security collecting heartbreaking ex-girlfriend were lounging post binge in my living room engaged in typically masturbatory "intellectual" conversation. I kept having to puke but i would simply put up my finger to pause the sentence, puke in the toilet, continue my sentence, puke some more, continue and return to the living room. i was proud and this characterization of the Lady Head affirms my suspicion that i am on the right track.
I hope you've learned your lesson about drinking SEDA. Moderation. You're husband obviously was letting you learn a valuable lesson rather then coddling you. Then you would have learned nothing.
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