What a fucking idiot.

Linky

What a fucking retard. And WTF is up with his advisors? Nobody knew?

I fucking hate Blogojevich. I remember talking to people at UIC (no one that reads this blog - calm down fuckers) and they're all like "I'm going to vote for Blagojevich because he's a democrat." Yeah, great way to think. Republicans = bad, so any nonrepublican must be awesome.
Great idea you shitheads. Vote for the guy with the platform that he's going to "cut the fat at public universities"
YOU WORK AT A PUBLIC UNIVERSITY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!

Intervention Time for The Head.

So Lady Head and I went to a fancy, expensive restaurant last night and this came out of my mouth:

"I love everything about this place - the food, the decor, the service - but I really wish they would get new flatware. I feel like I'm eating in a cafeteria with these things."

Evil Doctor, Ash-Hole, Fat Nick, Turbo, etc. please immediately come down here and beat this attitude out of me. Either that or the only other thing I can think that will cure it. Whiskey, cartoons, and drunken, rambling debates.

Help me!


On another note, while I was waiting for the elevator yesterday there was this waifish young thing standing there shivering and her teeth were chattering. I got a great deal of pleasure out of it because it was 40 degrees, raining, and she was wearing fucking SANDALS!!!!!

Also, I think the Axe body spray commercial with "The One-upper" would work better if the guy getting one-upped didn't look like such a douchey, wussy weenie.
No offense, Fat Nick.
(Zing!)

Random Rules

-WARNING- Ghey blogger thing ahead.

So I was reading the onion AV Club and they have an article called Random Rules. Basically a person turns on shuffle on their mpg player and gives us the first couple songs that come up and says something about them. I like this idea and would like you clowns to do it. For those of you with out blogs yet on my contributors list, please guest post it here. If no ipod, if you have a bunch of music on your computer and can shuffle go with that.
I'd like the first ten songs and something about them. No cheating to make yourself look cool. We all get a little crazy with the downloading sometimes so we understand that you have Britney or whatever on there.

Here are mine:

1) Slowboat to China - Charlie Parker

Wow, I start odd looking totally sophisticated. Really though, I downloaded a bunch of jazz for music to listen to during dinner parties, etc. It's great in the house but, with very few examples, I never play it on my iPod.

2) Harvester of Sorrow - Metallica

Absolutely one of my favorite songs off of one of my alone-on-a-deserted-island albums. Just awesome. Excellent for pumping me up for football or lifting competitions in high school and it still gives me a bounce in my step.
Sigh, Metallica makes me sad. This was a top song at their peak. After this was the decline.

3) The Wrong Number - Kid Loco

Who would of knew I would have gotten so much into Kid Loco. You'd think I'd hate him as I hate a lot of DJs. However, from what I've heard he can do no wrong in my eyes (or ears). Excellent sitting around the house getting high music. Also popular at Head parties (by Head parties I mean me, Lady Head,a nd the critter's private parties where I get wasted and dance about comically, not the head as in "That stinky hippie is a total head." kind of way.)
I'm pissed the one song I can't seem to download is Mr. Flakey which is my absolute favorite.

4) Shut the Fuck up - Wu-Tang and Limp Bizkit

OK. You got me. Fred Durst is a fucking tool but I'd listen to Jessica Simpson if she was singing with the Wu-Tang Clan. Method Man makes a solid showing but he makes me sad too with all his TV shows and whatnot. He should have died with ODB.

5) Scooby Snacks - Fun Loving Criminals

C'mon - a song about robbing banks that has quotes form Tarantino movies in it? Perfect for my level of immaturity.

6) Come on Motherfucker - Clutch

Clutch is awesome. I've been listening to them since college. We used to black out this guys windows and pass around a bottle of wild turkey to Clutch (and Pantera and Prong) before we went out. Those guys got into a lot of fights. A real motivating song in the gym. Definitely NSFW though.

7) Wheel in the Sky - Journey

Journey is so wonderful. No matter what, whenever I hear any Journey song I have fond thoughts of Logan Square in general and the Bob Inn specifically. Especially of Turbo rocking out Dangerfield-style to Anyway you want it. It was a magical time.

8) Holla Back - Gwen Stefani

Yeah, in many ways I'm a 13 year old girl. Gwen Stefani is another one that's always right. I love this song and often dance to it for Lady Head's amusement.

9) Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys

Looking back on this list it is apparent that I'm still in High School. But fuck you, License to Ill was an awesome album and Brass Monkey is an awesome song.
Has anyone ever had a Brass Monkey? Or know what it is? I've heard it as OE 800 and OJ and also some other OJ drink with rum and vodka.

10) Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

The Ash-holes will remember me being so drunk that I kept confusing this song with Duran Duran and singing "Reflex" instead of "Relax." Ahh, good times: "Reflex, don't do it..."
I also occasionally shout out to Lady Head or others "Hit me with those laser beams - baum baum baum"
Am I gay? Maybe.


and cue Evil Doctor's smartass "Damn kids and your fancy do-dads" comment.

Just saw this little gem on Manliness.

Manliness in danger of extinction
By Zach Parks

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly. I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March, they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society.

Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym. I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men. Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.

Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing vaginas. It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.

Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a cafe and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing - scotch.

Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.

When manly men aren't eating pieces of shit like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette. Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.

Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.

BK, Milla, Crash, and Whiskey

I'm toying with re-enacting the Burger King boycott because of the "Dr. Cheesey" commercials. I find them annoying and heavy-handed. I see what they're trying to do and they've just failed miserably. The whole "We're in on the joke -wink-" shit doesn't work at all.
And this coming off that awesome dancing girls making a whopper commercial that first aired during the Super Bowl. I went out the next day and got Whoppers the next day because of that commercial.
Fuck you BK.

How the fuck is Milla Jovovich in Ultraviolet instead of Aeon Flux?
Nothing makes sense anymore!

On the Evil Doctor's recommendation I watched Crash this weekend. What a joke of a movie. Hey I have a great recipe for a sure-fire Oscar-winning movie. Take some low-hanging fruit, mix in some actors starving for serious dramatic roles, add a huge dose of demagoguery and let cook for two hours.
C'mon.

Because of our memberships in various things we get a ton of free magazine subscriptions. This weekend I excited to see in one of the club magazines an article on Irish whiskey. I was pretty excited because I like several Irish whiskeys. The author was a LA Times writer that often acts as their drinks correspondent. Yay!
The article was awful. First off, he kept saying he's never met an Irish whiskey he didn't like. Not one. Now I'm not a fancy journalist - no, stop, seriously I'm not - but part of being a critic is not liking everything you're exposed to (a la Homer Simpson). He even went on about how great the poteen was that he had in Ireland. For the ignorant, poteen is liquid straight from the still. Around these parts it's known as moonshine and, no matter who's making it, it is awful.
Then he was talking about different brands of Irish whiskey. It was completely worthless. Instead of using words like "smoky", "toffee", "oak", "smooth", "vanilla" etc., etc., etc. he used descriptors such as "charming", "flirtatious", and "lively"
What an asshole. Thanks for the advertisement for Irish whiskey in general, douchebag. Rod Smith, you should be fired. And who the fuck nurses a bottle of Irish whiskey for an entire year?

C'mon honey, you look like the friggin' Joker.

I love Scrubs but the one thing about the show I hate is Christa Miller's rictus grin. Dear, you should sue your plastic surgeon.

Would you consider "The Gambler" or "Coward of the County" Kenny Roger's best song?

I'm going with "Coward"

"Jungle Love" by The Time is exactly what I needed to kickstart my day today.

Also, I had corned beef hash and eggs for breakfast so I'm a world-beater today.

And I'd like to occasionally give some insight into problems Lady Head and I are having with our relationship.
A big barrier to us getting close is the fact she despises Phil Collins. I'm not sure if there is medication for this problem.
To annoy her, I will now refer to my iPod as the "Genesis Box"

Steak and Blowjob Day!

Great idea. I think I'll take off work for it.

Here's the link.

And for the lazy:

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

Insane in the McCain

Awesome. John McCain had a cameo on 24 last night.

The pussification of The Head.

Hot Rod broght it to my attention that I haven't posted in a while. See what Chris Penn's death did to me? You're lucky I didn't erase the blog in mourning.

Yesterday I got gypped out of a free Panera lunch because I RSVPed to this lunch weith a speaker but never heard back. So I go down to the conference room and the speaker's not there yet. But I counted 8 lunches and 7 people so I figured I was out. I go back upstairs figuring I'd let them eat and then go back. So 1/2 hour later I walk into the room and they're all "Uh-oh." So I'm all "Uh-oh what?" and they're all "He just ate your lunch." while pointing to this tiny asian guy that never says a word. Turns out he was crashing the lunch and they waited to see if I was coming for 10 minutes.
I place 80% of the blame on the douchebag prof. that didn't confirm my RSVP (did he think I'd magically know where and when the fucking lunch was? I had to find out through other channels). 15% of the blame goes to the department (seriously, scientists are shitty responders, if there's going to be 8 people, order 10 lunches). 5% of the blame goes to me for being such a pussy. I can tell you that in Chicago I would have had a lunch for sure, even if I had to take someone elses.
Which broght up a good point Lady Head and I discussed. Have I been broken down? Am I less of a man than I once was since we moved down here? I believe so. Can I be rehabilitated to the heroic figure I once was?
Discuss.

P.S. I saw Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance last night and I now consider Chan-wook Park second only to Takashi Miike in weirdness in cinema. Yet I can't help but watch.