"Unlikely Angel" update

Remember Ashley Smith? Sure you do. She's the woman who was taken hostage after the court shootings in Atlanta some time ago. I talked about it here. Remember, she wrote a book? "Unlikely Angel: The Untold Story of the Atlanta Hostage Hero"
She talked about how she read to the guy from "The Purpose Driven Life" and that inspired him and saved her life.

Well I guess reading inspirational stories to him works better when he's all geeked out from the crystal meth that you gave him.
Wow, she's such a hero. So heroic in fact that she had the foresight to lose custody of her 5 year old daughter because of her drug use so she wouldn't be in the house when that mean ol' man took her hostage.

Brava Ashley. You're wonderful.

BOW DOWN!

Also at Tightly Wound was a link to a quiz on political ideology (the link below is messed up). I figured I'd be pretty much in the center.
Well, it's all relative I guess. To be fair, the issues I'm liberal on (them queers, bitches, race, health care, etc were pretty much absent form the test.

You are a Social Conservative (38% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (31% permissive) You are best described as a: Totalitarian Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

She's gotta gold tooth, you know she's hardcore...

Lady Head needs a big gold tooth now.
Anyhoo, yesterday we had a spirited argument in lab about baby strollers inpired by this article. Me being in favor of giant, ankle-smashing ones of course. Fuck those people. Reminds me of the whole "I should get paid more because I don't have kids and people that do have them get more health insurance, day care, etc."
Tightly Wound has a top-notch writeup on the stroller thing.

Last night came in 25th out of 1,620 in a poker tournament. Man, I can play good for 4 hours and then really have a monstrous brainfart and bust with one dumb hand. So instead of the $3.5K I expected to win for 1st place I got $72.

This was exciting. First pictures of a live, healthy, adult giant squid. And they ripped one of its tentacles off. Nice job jerks.

She ain't no holla back girl.

She's a straight up gangsta!
Lady Head's new tattoo.

These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days!

Yesterday I won $700 playing cards. So I'm going to do the mature thing with the money and meet the Evil Doctor at Tunica to gamble some more.
Lady Head's getting a tattoo today. Actually adding to already existing tattoos.
Pictures to follow.
That made me think. I'm kind of a little sissy considering I don't have a gigundous tattoo taking up most of my back. So I'll have to get one. Either an art deco angel (maybe 2 of them, one on each side) or Marv from Sin City. Or maybe Marv as an angel. Who knows?
Details to follow.

Get away from me you creepy fuckers! (warning: petty content)

Why is it wherever I go to work there's some creepy asshole that hangs out in the lobby all day? You know the type, stares at everyone when they leave lab to go to the bathroom, there at all hours, usually bad hygeine.
In Chicago there were multiple guys like this. Well, we now have one down here.
This guy's a treat. He's obviously an undergrad. An undergrad majoring in business, economics, or the ilk. What's he doing in a building dedicated entirely to the biological science? Who fucking knows?
Anyhoo, he's here all day and night studying. Whatever. Except he has long animated arguments with his mom on the cell phone when people are trying to read or something down there. Once he started an argument and I was down there. As I was just about to tell him to go somewhere else I heard the word "methamphetamine." Ooh, that sounds like gossip. now, this kid isn't a biker. He's a skinny, pale nerdlinger. Turns out he's arguing with his mommy because she found some pills or something. He's all "I know what they do." and "I need them to focus."
After about 2 minutes of this my anger at him being discourteous overcame my lust for the misfortune of others and I told him to quiet down or go somewhere else. He ended the phone call.
Now to the other thing. He always has his bare feet up on a chair. So the busybody of the floor said she was oging to say something so I left it alone. But after a week or two she hadn't done anything so I saw him and told him that some people didn't appreciate that, this wasn't his living room, etc.
He was all "I'm sorry, I didn't know, thatnks for telling me." and he put his feet down.
Everything's good.
Then yesterday, I saw him with his fucking feet up again! There was a lab meeting going on at a different table so I didn't want to say anything.
Gah, it's like he's slapping me in the face.
I narrowed down my responses to four options.
1) Sit down at the table and give him the "Listen man, I'm just asking for some courtesy here."
2) Periodically I see him in the weightroom now. Same conversation as 1) but right after I finish a set of bench press. Plus I'll add some intimidating phrases and body language.
3) Sic Lady Head on him.
4) This is my personal favorite. I noticed he keeps his books and shit in a cupboard in the fucking lobby! Anyway, steal one of his books. Not all of them because then foul play is clear. One of them will drive him crazy - "Did I take it home?", "Did I leave it out?", "Did someone take it?"
Plus he's obviously an obsessive student and can't study now and his grades may slip.
Plus books are fucking expensive.
Downside of this is that he will think he "won" the battle of his feet against me.
Thoughts?

I can't believe I am 31 years old, have a PhD, a wife, and a house, and am plotting against a little fuckwad like this.

Fuck David Sedaris

I really can't stand this fucking guy.
"Hey! Look at me! I make super witty observations about life! And I have the most annoying voice ever! Complete douchebags like me because supposedly I'm 'smart' humor!"
If I never hear anything by him again I'll die happy.
Once we were at a party and the host decided to have everyone stop having fun so we could listen to some David Sedaris.
The whole time I'm sitting there thinking "That's the fucking punchline?" and "Good Lord I'd like to take a tire iron to this guy."

Then I was talking to Kid Awesome the other day about his class that he teaches (Freshman Composition) and he was saying that you need to assign books, essays, or films for the students to write shit on. Some of the other TA's (some as in 'more than one') give their students David Sedaris and can't seem to understand why their students don't like him because "Oh my God, he's just hilarious!"
18 year old kids in Idaho probably find his wry commentary on life in the city even less funny than I do (if that's possible).
What a jerkoff.
So...Fuck David Sedaris.

Yeah I know, the others in the series had better background.

P.S. I jsut saw one of the fattest people I've ever seen down outside the coffeeshop in our building. I mean, I was amazed this person is ambulatory.

Lame Monday Post

What a terrific weekend!
First off, Saturday we had a wine and cheese party to celebrate my birthday and Lady Head's crushing of her qualifying exam.
It was hilarious, we had limited the guest list to 10 of the most sophisticated people we know around here. Lady Head said it was going to be civilized so she was going to open 4 bottles of wine. I just laughed at her and went to the liquor store to buy more wine. She said "What did you do that for? It's a tasting." I laughed harder. Long story short, something on the order of 14 bottles of wine, most of a homewrecker of JD, and multiple ports later we all were roaring drunk outside. Good think the Head Compound is fairly isolated.
I'm pretty sure I was charming and witty as always.
Then next day was "There is no fucking way I'm leaving the house today and you're damn lucky if I leave this bed."
It was the perfect hungover day. It was the first fall day, climate-wise and we opened all the windows and watched movies in bed. Sin City is a kick-ass hangover movie.
Moving on, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but The War at Home is quite possible the worst fucking show that has ever aired. Good Lord man, the spot between The Simpsons and Family Guy is platinum and you shove that crap in there. Clearly that's where Arrested Development belongs. Although Monday's are even more awesome now since Arrested is there now.
Also, if you're bored at work go listen to the Hitchens-Galloway debate at http://kpftx.org/
I love British people arguing. They're mean as hell.
I used the direct links and the debate actually starts about 30 minutes into the second link. Try to get it close because otherwise you'll listen to a bunch of morons circle-jerk each other for 1.5 hours. Seriously, these people make me wish we had more wars just out of spite for their granola chewing asses.

Fuck Donald Sutherland

Yay! Our second in the series.
This one was inspired by the "Proust Questionnaire" in the back of Vanity Fair.
(Yeah, I know, what do you expect form something called the "Proust Questionnaire" but shutup or you'll be next in the series.)
His answer to every question just shows what a fucktard he is. Below are some of the questions and answers DS gave (my comment in bold). Obviously he's a sensitive intellectual that we should all admire greatly. Gah! I hate when entertainment monkeys think that because they can 'member all them lines and contort their faces in the right emotional expressions that they know shit from shit.

VF: What is your idea of perfect happiness?
DS: A peace pursuing government I can support.

Wow, that would give him total happiness. Not anything about loved ones or health or anything that non-pompus assholes usually say. I can see it now "My wife has cancer, all my friends hate me, and I'm destitute - but Ralph Nader's in office, I couldn't be happier!" Way to inject politics into everything, hippie.

VF: What historical figure do you most identify with?
DS: Dr. Norman Bethune.

Sweet baby Jesus. You (Donald Sutherland) identifies most with Bethune? Let's see, he's a legend in the medical field due to many advances he made, gave selflessly to those less fortunate, and risked his life during several wars to help his fellow man. All this after he almost died from TB.
You were in MASH.
I can see it.

VF: What living person do you most admire?
DS: Arundhati Roy.

Nice. Wow, an author that spent time in jail due to her defending her beliefs. I guess that's honorable. Wait, what's that? How long did she spend in jail? One day? And she's an anti-nuke protester in a huge democracy that doesn't kill and torture dissidents? And she's rich? Good job Donald! Way to slap all of the people fighting for rights in Iran, Cuba, Afghanistan, etc. etc. et-muthafuckin-c.

VF: What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
DS: The inability to fluently speak my wife's language.

Wow. that's your biggest problem? Oh Donnie, you're so sensitive. I hope my wife leaves me for you.

VF: Which talent would youmost like to have?
DS: Wit, as defined by Alexander Pope in "The Rape of the Lock."

Couldn't just leave it at something lame like "Wit." Had to make sure we knew he is really well-read. P.S. Fuck Pope.

VF: If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
DS: Their inheritance. By that, I mean, what we have done to the world we have borrowed from them.

This doesn't even make any sense. You borrowed the world from your family and they are inheriting it from you? What? I can't get this one to make sense.
Anyhoo, isn't it your generation that started fucking things up Donnie? You senile old prick.

VF: What is your favorite occupation?
DS: Imagining

I believe this one stands on its own.

VF: What is the quality you most like in a woman?
DS: Acuity.

Sigh. Could this be considered vaguely insulting towards women? Anyway. Friggin' awful answer. Everybody knows it's "Boobs."

VF: Who are your favorite writers?
DS: T.S. Eliot, Yeats, Joyce - the list goes on. Ayn Rand is not on it.

Oh no! Sutherland doesn't like Ayn Rand! I better burn my books. Why the fuck would you make a point that you don't like Ayn Rand. Especially after a turd-filled list like that.

How would you like to die?
DS: By my own hand, with those I love gathered around me drinking a fine Bordeaux rouge.

First off, I like his uneccessary use of French here by slapping the rouge on the end. He's soooo educated. Second, what the fuck is this? I'm sure that way of dying wouldn't be traumatic for anyone.
"C'mere little Timmy, wait, here's a dixie cup of a fine Bordeaux rouge. That means red Timmy. Yes I know it's kind of purple but it's called red. OK, where were we? Oh yes, I was going to slit my wrists and leave this mortal coil. See Timmy, the key to killing yourself right is to cut lengthwise, not across. Back up Timmy, otherwise you'll get grandads's bloodspray. Or maybe hit with one of my flailing limbs when I finally expire and convulse. Oh, here, put this vapo-rub under your nose for when grandad's bowels release. Yeah, I already tried to make a doodie but this warmongering government has got my GI tract tied up in knots. Did you know I was in MASH?"

Good Luck!

Lady Head is currently taking her Qualifying Exam. She's been working on this shit for months now. It's really cut into her drinking.
Let's all wish her luck and this will be over soon.
ED, light a candle for her at morning mass.


Update: Lady Head wins! Passed with flying colors. In fact, it's supposed to go 2 hours and at 30 minutes one of her committee starting asking if they were done yet. Then at the 40 minute mark another one of her committee said "She knows her stuff, let's ask her some fun stuff."
Afterwards, the DGS said she's going to be a great scientist.
House husbandry - here I come.

Update II: So I had to have a celebratory scotch at lunch. Macallan 12 year. $14.50. Are you fucking kidding me? The whole friggin' bottle is $55 or so. How do these assholes sleep at night?

Hitchhikers

Who the fuck picks these people up? I see them more frequently down here than up north.
I mean it's not like your picking up Kerouac here. Your typical hitcher looks like a serial rapist that hasn't bathed in a few months. I bet they smell like provolone cheese.

Yay me!

OK, so yesterday was my birthday. Although we weren't going to celebrate it until the end of the week since Lady Head has her Quals on Thursday.
So yesterday morning I was pretty bummed. Just in general. Back in the old days me, ED, Ash-hole, etc. would have been drinking already.
So it's getting close to my birthminute and I'm like "There's no fucking way I'm going to be sitting alone in lab pretending to work when that rolls around." So I decide to sneak out and go home and see Lady Head and the mammals.
I go home and WTF? Lady Head is nowhere to be found (she was supposed to be home studying all day.
So I decide to take a nap. Pretty soon Kraepelin and Orson are up in bed with me and I'm the snoring bulldog and velvety hot water bottle are improving my mood. Purkinje and P-Lo stop by to say hi and even Nala got in on the act.
On a side note, Nala roams around all the time now and seems to be doing great.
So then I hear "What are you doing home?"
It's Lady Head. She closes the door and says not to come out.
Long story short, she had a cake and presents for Head. DVDs (Big Trouble in Little CHina, Gator, all three Smokey and the Bandits, and Sin City - the Marv cover [Eat it Ash-hole!]). So I had a birthday party after all.
But, no time to dawdle, I had to get back to work in time to leave for the wine-tasting. Oh no!
A high speed journey later and I'm drinking at The Acorn. Pretty kick ass. The find of the night was KitFox vineyards. I would have never bought anything called "Foxy Red" or "Foxy White" but they're really good and inexpensive. Check them out.
Plus I may join the City Club now. Booze, golf, food, and poker. Guess I need to take up golf. Huggala Huggala Huggala!

And then tonight we have a wine dinner. I'm sure I'll be charming as hell considerign I've been drinking for about a week straight.

Bored.

Christ I'm bored.
You people are lame. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourselves? Post something on your blog, post something on my blog, send me something entertaining.
For fuck's sake, what am I paying you for?

Life is good.

I've got two manuscripts submitted, am on a really hot streak gambling, had drinks before 5pm 3 times last workweek (once before noon), Orson's eyes are fixed, Lady Head's quals are almost over, I turn 31 next Monday, my liquor store is about to start the "Around the world in 80 wines" weekly tasting series, and I've managed to work out (including cardio!) regularly for the past couple weeks.
I also have filled my Monday night television vacuum with Weeds and Prison Break (Which is actually a good show).

Oh, for those of you that didn't know, Orson had "Cherry Eye" where one of his tear ducts evert and they need to be put back. Minor procedure and he's looks and feels much better now.

When will it come crashing down?

Someday I'll have some interesting thoughts - but that day is not here.

So I was watching Weeds last night and it reminded me of something. I love the theme song, it's a song about how everyone in suburbia is all the same, they live in identical houses, have the same thoughts, etc.
But the whole time the opening is on I'm thinking - wow that's a nice house, that's a sweet car, etc.
I guess I'm just another brainless drone goosestepping my way through life. Or at least that's what I aspire to.

Or maybe I'm not 17 anymore.

On an unrelated note. I think Jay-Z is the most overrated rapper of all time. I saw his "retirement" show and I'm all "So fucking what?"
And yesterday while I was at the vets I read an article on Kanye West and they were talking about how Jay-Z wasn't going to let him rap because he "never hustled", etc.
I can't stand Jay-Z. How'd he get so respected in rap? He sucks. I don't care how many platinum records he has. I don't care how big Roc-A-Fella gets. I'll never drink Armadale (Scottish vodka - who the fuck thought that shit up?). Jay-Z is the posterchild for how shitty rap is these days.

Give me Dre, Cube, Wu-Tang, Snoop, LL, etc. anyday.

Yeah, I know I didn't make a sensible argument. So what?

That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee!

Too much coffee. I'm a rambling and walking around machine. Had a few espressos before I came to work. Then I had to go to the coffeeshop to get Lady Head a bottle of water for her talk. So I'm at the coffeeshop and I decide I need a triple latte. Then I comeback here and there's coffee at lab. So I drink that.
Someone give me a topic to rant about.
Talk to you later.