Priceless

From Mrs. Ash-hole.
Speaks for itself.

I got nothing

OK, not much today yet.
Here's an interesting article Madam Nonesuch sent me on our friend JD.
Sorry no link.

Drinkers magazine berates Jack Daniel for diluting whiskey
By JIM MYERS
Staff Writer

The proof is in the bottle ‹ or is it? What started as a brief mention one morning on CNN may be the drop that ripples through tipplers around the world. On Tuesday morning, CNN's Jack Cafferty brought the world's attention to a small publication with a pretty big mouth. Modern Drunkard Magazine's editor Frank Rich published a scathing editorial after it was brought to his attention that between 20 months and a year ago the Jack Daniel Distillery had quietly dropped the strength of its signature black label Tennessee whiskey from 86 to 80 proof. Rich's Web site links to an online petition started by his Web boardcoordinator, Chris Sharp. They have more than 700 signatures of drinkers joining a boycott of Jack Daniel's ‹ double the number since the brief mention on CNN.''They're messing with 138 years of history,'' said Rich, who admits tha this publication, geared to heavy drinkers, is not quite for wine connoisseurs. ''They thought no one would be upset, but with their commercials, they ride so much on the history,'' he continued from his Denver office. The folks at the Lynchburg distillery, and at their parent company,Brown-Forman, don't see it that way, despite their whiskey Web site that touts: ''Time changes everything. Except the way we make our smooth-sipping Tennessee Whiskey, of course.'' The company says the recipe and the way the whiskey is made really haven't changed in all those years; just the way the whiskey is finished and cut to the desired proof has changed. Until 1987, Jack Daniel's used to be sold at 90 proof (45% alcohol), whenthe owners lowered it to 86. As the company grew and sales expanded overseas, an 80-proof version was introduced.Over time, the ''80 proof outperformed the 86,'' said Mike Keyes, global brand manager of the distillery. When asked about the flap, he points out that the distillery, by law and for taxes, has to publish the strength of its products. ''We've never hidden the change,'' said Keyes, who says the primary motivator was performance and the desire to consolidate the brand worldwide.''The 80 proof has an identical taste and color. It has a greater maturity in the barrels to compensate for the difference. Our tasting panel cannot tell the difference.''Another reason he points to is a change in drinking habits. Fewer people sip the whiskey as they did 20 years ago, the majority mixing it with colas and lemonades. However, the distillery does maintain a single barrel version of Jack Daniel's at 94 proof for the purists who savor every sip. It shouldn't hurt the company's bottom line, either, as the drop in alcohol yields between one and two extra cases of product, according to Keyes. And what about the petition? Will the people be able to persuade the distillery to revive the 90 proof, or at least the 86?''I'm not sure Modern Drunkard should be telling people what proof it should be,'' Keyes said. What's 'proof?'The word proof is said to come from having to prove to a buyer that the whiskey was good, that is, that it had a high alcohol content and hadn't been watered down. To be whiskey, it must be at least 80 proof by law but not more than 125 proof at barrel entry. To calculate the percentage of alcohol, divide the proof number by two.
_______________________________________________________

Kinda funny. I actually prefer the 80 proof and manage to get plenty drunk on it.
Although I love the idea of a magazine called "Modern Drunkard". Here's the link.

Well I am going to someone's retirement party (actually severance party - but whatever) and then I have to go buy a bunch of tequila and Corona for the party tomorrow.

Sigh

More work today. No fun.
Another birthday party for me Friday. Mexican themed this time. Pinatas and all. We are making a shitload of margaritas and tequila shots.
I will be drinking The Macallan however.
Also I hate internet poker. Mainly the fact that it's on the computer. I was drinking last night and kept hitting all the wrong buttons. Accidentally folding the best hand and accidentally calling huge bets with nothing. Usually I do much better drunk but everyone has a bad day I guess.
I'm still way up so don't feel bad for The Head.
Go about your business. I'll post more later or tomorrow.

Shaun of the Dead

Went with the Missus to see Shaun of the Dead last night.
I loved this movie. It was just wonderful.

Go see it. The Head commands it. And would it kill you to leave work early once in a while? No one listened to my last command. Take some you-time. See a movie, go to a bar, something. I'm thinking of your mental well-being.

Also, The Head found a nice place he wants to work and is going to make inquiries as to whether or not they have a position.

Supersize my nuts.

JayLeigh got me thinking about the wonderful fast food industry.

I hate Morgan Spurlock. Of course I haven't seen "Supersize Me" but I already know it's gonna piss me off.

What an expose! Hard-hitting documentary journalism! Newsflash! Eating McDonald's every day makes you fat! Go fuck yourself Morgan. I'm glad you permanently damaged your health, you self-righteous asshole.

I want the supersized meal. Now we can't have it, jerkoff.

Self-control people. Maybe a little exercise?

Where else in the world (or what other species) has access to cheap, tasty, calorie-rich food? We're successful!

Also, If I were the defense attorneys for those lawsuits against KFC, etc. by fat people sueing b/c KFC made them fat I'd tell them to bring me all the receipts.

Short, disjointed post but I actually have to get some work done today.

Here's the skirt I hate.
Lady Head says I'm behind the times. That these are out but I still see a ton of them.

To all the ladies in the house

He's hitting on you! Yes, he is. You're in a bar drinking. He met you 4 minutes ago. He's not looking for a pen pal, he's got way too many lady friends that he isn't sleeping with. He wants to get on you. No one is that interesting. Even you. Ask yourself why he seems so interested in your undergraduate dissertation on Naomi Wolf's library of work. He's not! He wants to bang you.

Sorry. When I worked in bars I got to see the carnival of men hitting on women WAAAYYY to much. I assume that a lot of the women know they're being hit on and either A) Are interested in the guy, or B) Are sickoes who are amusing themselves by dangling this poor schlub like a worm on a hook, or C) Getting free drinks sista! But I know for a fact some are suprised to find this out.

Men are horndogs. Get used to it. I hate everything about men hitting on women. The body language, the fake laughter, the fake interest, EVERYTHING!

Except when I did it. Then it was cool. I'm a smooth pimp though.


Also ladies, lose the frilly miniskirts. You look terrible in them. All of you. I know they're supposed to be fun and flirty and show a lot of leg, but no one looks good in them. No one. Normal short or mini-skirts are OK but those pleated ones make you look awful.

I'm such a pimp

So I have to lecture today and The Dean sent me some Powerpoint slides to include. Yesterday about 1:30 I realized that they were on my home computer. So I went home to work on my lecture. Yep, that means I walked in the door, ate a burrito, took a nap, and watched TV. Hey I got all night. then the Missus got home and informed me we were to go for drinks with the Canadians. We went running (yeah, gotta lose those extra lbs.) and I protested going out. Well, we ended up going out. I came home and played some poker (I won, but that's another Pimp Story) watched some cartoons and went to bed.

So today I got up early to come in lab to work on my lecture. Got in at 8 lecture done by 9:15. I am a fucking pimp.

Don't give it until after 1pm. Off to Starbuck's!

Update: Not Starbuck's. McDonald's! Delicious bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. And good for you too!

Russ Meyer is dead

Via the Evil Doctor.
Russ meyer is dead. (Free subscription required)
Boobies Boobies Boobies.

Pervy Brit

This guy is hilarious. From the Observer via Arts and Letters Daily
Reminds me of the Evil Twin explaining to me that "Prescription drugs are for pussies. Street drugs are for men."

Congac, Cognac, Cognac!

I am wasted. Gonna explode too. Tayst does not disappoint.
Well, somewhat. I started with a Chopin martini. Tasted a little off on the first sip but I figured that it was b/c I was chewing gum. By the third sip we were at the table and there was something really wrong with it. I brought it to the bar and the bartender made me another. I tasted it and it was still foul. She tasted it, doing the straw thing, and said she didn't get the bad taste. She tried again and definitely got it. We thought it was the ice so she said she's get new ice and send another to the table. Sent and still nasty. By this time I was feeling like the fat, rich guy who's sending everything back since they went through like 1/2 a bottle. So I just got a glass of wine as replacement.

I had the lamb loin. Fantastic. Then T-bone and I had the 4-cognac tasting. Fabulous. Then I ordered us our favorite. The Camus. Assholes. 4 tastings for $15 and then I ordered one of them and it was $15 alone. But the high roller in me said screw it. Always beware when they don't list the prices.

Anyhoo, I'm drunk and the Creme Brulee filled me up beyond comfortable so bedtime is near. Company was good and beyond the SNAFU's I mentioned it was a great meal.

Someday I'll take all of you out.

High Roller!

I got a thirst for killin'

Done lecturing, went good. Now I'm back.
Gonna fuck off the rest of the day cruising around the internet.

The title of this post is b/c I can't get "The Stroke" from Billy Squire out of my head. I've been running around telling people "I got a thirst for killin'" all day.

That song was my stripper song if I ever was a male stripper. Not that the new, fatter Head would be able to do that. (At least I'm not Cheddarback).
However on reflecting on the cheesiness of many of the ladies I would expect in these places and in email discussion with the Ash-holes I think I'd switch my song to "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter. I'd even have a cheesy dance, shaking my junk to each side when "I stroke it to the east, I stroke it to the west, I stroke it to the girl that I love best" lines came on.
I think I'd point to the homeliest girl in the place for the last part of that stanza. And she's shriek with delight and all of her friends in the bachelorette party would convince her to stuff a bill in my G-string and she's be all embarassed but finally do it and then they'd all get wrecked drinking Sex on the Beaches and Kamikazis. They's even do Blowjobs (the Baily's based shots topped with whipped cream that you can't use your hands to drink) but most of them would spill them except for one girl who's perceived sluttiness, due to her ability to drink it, would be the topic of conversation off and on for the rest of the night.
Then as they got drunker they'd start getting grabby. Management typically looks the other way within reason b/c it's good for business but I've got a PhD for Christ's sake! I'm not some piece of meat here for snaggletooth and her dumpy friends to manhandle.
At least men in strip clubs are mostly either A) Rich assholes throwing money around so even though they're assholes the girls at least getting paid, or B) introverted perverts. Either way they know they're gonna get the fuck stomped out of them if they get out of line.
These ladies have no respect for my craft.
My stripper name would be Rod, Rod McBulgey.

Happy Birthday!

Leonard Cohen turns 70!
If that's not a reason to go out and drink I can't imagine what is. Going to Tayst tonight. Yep the restaurant with the cognac tasting (always ends up an early night when you have 4 cognacs in quick succession after dinner) and bourbon root beer float (it's actually fabulous). Am taking Erin and T-Bone out to celebrate my big win in online poker since he's the one that got me started.

Lecturing today so I should probably run through it before I actually get in front of those bastards.


I swear to God, one of these days I'm gonna burn this place down.
- Captain Murphy

On that note, Sealab 2021 "The Legend of Baggy Pants" is probably the greatest 15 minutes of television ever.

Cleveland Recap

OK. We're back. What a great weekend.
In to town and picked up by the Evil Twin. We have very little time to get to Big Ron's, change, and make our reservations. Uh-oh, a DUI checkpoint. Now, I know the Evil Twin isn't drunk but who knows what he has in the car. Well long story short, he got a seatbelt ticket, I changed in the car, and we were late but still had a table at Ken Stewart's. We had a fantastic meal. Started off with two martinis (Beefeaters b/c no Boodles there and I find Sapphire a little too juniper-ey) I had the mixed grill. 10 oz. Filet Mignon, rack of lamb, and huge shrimp. Finished up with a congac and a cigar at the bar w/ Big Ron where we had the cliche "Where has the time gone?" talk (his 30th birthday was on Sun. exactly 1 week after ours). Big Ron did put us on scholarship too (yay! B/c that dinner would've crushed our budget).
After dinner we all went to Big Ron's where we drank Dom Perignon (it's another world there) and watched the Evil Twin try "The Paintball Challenge".

What's the paintball challenge? Well, it's a 40-yd dash across Big Ron's backyard while he tries to shoot you with a paintball gun. If you make it without getting hit you get $700. If you run naked in a Baldwin-Wallace football helmet and make it across you get $1000. The Evil Twin tried it a couple times and got peppered with paintballs.

Then the next day we layed around watching football and movies. That night was Big Ron's surprise party. Me, Meathead, and The Evil Twin took Ron out to a bar. Then Meathead got a call from Big Ron's brother and he told Ron that he was at a stripclub with champagne for his birthday. We just had to stop at Meathead's house first to change.

Suprise! Party-time. Well, for me, the party started off tense b/c this was the Missus's first exposure to my old Cleveland friends en masse and she was not happy about being left with them while I was at the bar. Basically, all of the guys are huge, aggressive thugs and all of the girls are strippers or ex-strippers. I think she was exaggerating b/c they loved her by the end of the night. Besides, what could I do? I'm merely an actor in this play. I had to take Big Ron (from now on - BR) out for the ruse.

The highlight was someone brought a beer bong as a joke and then someone thought it would be hilarious if people actually bonged beer, like the old days. Let me tell you, there's something really sad about 30 year old's bonging beer at a party. Everyone was wrecked. They had a case of Grey Goose and a 1/2 case of Three Olives vodka so I decided to drink that instead of the keg of Miller Lite (no brainer).

Also, they refer to Meathead as "The Head" so we'll have to resolve this somehow. His head is friggin' enormous while mine isn't nearly as massive.

Anyway, go back to BR's, go to sleep, wake up and poke all of the hungover people (I'm basically hangover free. Thank you vodka!). BR was 1/2 unconscious in the shower, The Missus was in rough shape, and everyone else was feeling kinda shitty.

Breakfast with my aunt, beers with St. Jude at some shitty sports bar (where we made plans to start our own zany morning zoo radio program - Doctor and the Z-Man), and back to Nashville.

Back to work - ugh.

The Heads!

Big Ron preparing for The Paintball Challenge.

High Rollers! The Evil Twin, Chrissy (BR's Baby Momma, The Head, BR, Lady Head (The Missus), and Big Brett.

I've degenerated to this.

The Evil Twin Walking out to The Paintball Challenge.
The coat was removed. He went for the thousand. And lost. Several times.

How, juvenile. But I win $20 on Brett. 

G'night li'l fella. Sleep tight.
The Other Head has the ugliest couches I've ever seen.

Gym Dildoes

God, do I hate most of the guys at my gym. I think that at every gym I've ever went to. Does the gym change people or is there a selection bias that these people are attracted to the gym?

There's Johnny Bent-Arm. Walks around like he's hot shit and he weighs about 150. Almost invariably looks like Eminem on steroids. Hits on every remotely attractive girl and always gives me advice on lifting for some reason. Listen jerkoff. I've been lifting since I was 14. I'm 30 now. I can lift more than two of you could. I don't need any fucking advice you little toad! This guy usually gets some girl or flabby guy to let him act as their personal trainer.

Also, I hate the huge bully, these guys walk around like they own the place, don't put their weights away, smell awful, thinning hair, pimples everywhere (juice perhaps?), and actually are antagonistic towards others. I've seen these apes actually get in fights in the gym. Often just stares at the ladies and makes lewd comments about her tits and what he'd do to her. Like you'd ever have a shot you neanderthal fuckstain.

Him-and-her workout partners. The lovey-dovey types.

The sit on a piece of equipment and gossip between sets while you're still sitting on the equipment jackoffs. And when I cut in to ask if I can get a couple of sets in I'm the bad guy.

Related to above. The hundred set heroes. Monopolize equipment and don't let you work in because they are on a schedule. You've seen them do 4 sets, you ask how many more, and they say 12 or something. Typically bench, lat pulls, or curls (always curls).

People that work out in sandals or leather slides.

People that work out in their underwear. Haven't seen this in a while but in the past someone would forget their workout clothes when they finally took them home to wash and would just work out in their underwear.

Shirtless guy. AKA Mr. Flexi-abs. Pretty much self explanatory.

Skinny guys that only do bench and curls.

Mr. Eurotrash. Gets all dolled up for the gym and hits on girls relentlessly. Tight mock turtle neck or shiny sleeveless shit. Sometimes an expensive tank top.
I actually had a guy at my gym that wore cologne (!) in the gym. The asskicker is I saw him putting it on BEFORE he left the locker room.

Screamers.

And for Christ's sake, wash your fucking clothes occasionally. I realize it's a gym and I'm not expecting it to smell like roses and rainbows but WOW are you a rank motherfucker.

I miss you so.

I miss you so.
Bob Inn endrunkening pictures to follow.

I'm in demand!

My first social conflicts since moving to the Confederacy.

Next Sat. - Baby-warming party vs. Hitchcock film festival (with catered BBQ!)

Next Sun. - bartending at a political fundraiser (Why they wanted me I don't know. Fox + henhouse.) vs. dessert judge at a Bio Dept. function

It's good to be The Head.

Ash-holes

Why the Ash-holes are awesome houseguests.
A. Biscuits for Biscuits and Gravy
B. Sausage for Same
C. PBR.
D. Whipped Cream
This picture (and the garbage) was generated at ~10am

Candy Bars

My new favorite candy bar is...
Milky Way!
I know, I know. Me neither. It always seemed so old-fashioned of a candy bar. Historically I've been a Twix or Reese's man. With Snickers and 5th Avenure following b/c they had them at my Grandfather's bar.
Milky Way's damn good however. I just had two of them and they were fantastic. I better be careful though. I could end up looking like Cheddarback.

I just remembered Milky Way has horrible fucking commercials. Maybe I should rethink this thing.

OMG! I almost forgot. I am officially boycotting MHL now. I just couldn't take the commercials anymore.

Cleveland Plans

OK. Things I'm planning on doing with the thugs in Cleveland.
Get picked up by the Evil Twin at 7:25. Meet up w/ Big Ron at his palace. I wanted to go to Mallorca but it turns out we're going to Ken Stewart's for a wildly expensive feast (hopefully Big Ron will put me "On Scholarship") . Then we'll probably end up at some crowded ass clubs pounding martini's and scotch until closing time when I'll have to drive Big Ron's car, which costs more than I make in 2 years, because I'm perceived as the least drunk of us - at least to Big Ron.
It'll be good to see the Evil Twin again. The past couple of times I talked to him he actually made a little sense. We'll see if he can keep himself in check. Big Ron is always a good influence on him.
Sat. Surprise party at Meathead's house for Big Ron. Bottles and bottles of Grey Goose will be drunk (drank?).
Hopefully I can hit St. Jude's favorite bar with him. The Starkweather. What a great name for a bar. $1 fishbowls of PBR.
Sunday breakfast and back to Nashville.

People they should have killed and when they should have killed them.

Paul Newman - 1977 - right after "Slapshot". Some would say 1973 after "The Sting" and some would make a case for sparing him for "Nobody's Fool" or "The Color of Money" but just look at "Cool Hand Luke", "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid", or "Hud" and you'll see why I say kill him. Wait until after "Slapshot" though.

Ozzy Osbourne - 1978 - not only would we be spared watching the Prince of Darkness stumbling around like a pants-pooping nursing home resident but he wouldn't have had any kids yet.

Robert DeNiro - 1995 - after "Casino". No "Meet the Parents", "Analyze This" (or "That"), "City by the Sea", etc. He's be a badass for all time.

Al Pacino - 1993 - Right after "Carlito's Way". He's a caricature of himself now. NO MORE YELLING!

Clint Eastwood - 1992 - right after "The Unforgiven". We'd be spared REALLY gross love scenes.

Marlon Brando - 1954 - no brainer. Why couldn't he be in the car w/ Dean in 1955?

Jack Nicholson - 1989 - Right after "Batman".

Hunter S. Thompson - 1991 - Right after "Songs of the Doomed"

Mike Tyson - 1988 - As soon as Rooney left

Dennis Miller - not sure, mid-90's

Denis Leary - 1993 - Right after "No Cure for Cancer" - soooo sick of seeing him in terrible shows working his "Working Stiff" schtick.

That's about all I have the energy for now.

Congressional assholes

These guys are serious assholes.
It's hard enough to get grants and then some fat bastard in congress wants to take it away?
Scary.

Etiquette

Some of the comments about one of my other posts reminded me of a huge problem I have with people.

When someone is new to a situation, whether it be a house, bar, game, etc. and they're there because of someone else (friend, significant other, etc.) I am amazed how much of an asshole some people can be. Just flabbergasted. They're in someone elses place and they are acting like shitheels. Show a little respect.

Cases in point. The first time I went to my current regular poker game I of course was incredibly polite and thoughtful in my comments. There was this douchebag who was there for the first time also and he was a HUGE ass. Talking shit, acting like he owned the place, kept acting like he was a poker god, etc. I was amazed.
T
hen, this past weekend, there was this ballbag at Don's party. See recap for his story.

And I'm reminded of all those guys who were rude to the bartenders at the bar I worked, to my neighbors at my apartment, to the waitstaff at restaurants I frequented, etc. Tone down the machismo, fuckstick.

C'mon people, I implore you, if you're such an asshole that you can't be civil and respectful for your own sake at least consider that you're there under the aegis of your friend.

Other stories welcome.

Work

Wow, the day really does move faster when you're actually working.
I hope I've learned my lesson.
Nope.

Back to work after a long stop in the john.

Why Lord? WHY?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Why? Why ruin Daisy?

Update:
I dare you to watch this.

Movies in general

People somewhere along the way forgot that movies and TV were supposed to be for ENTERTAINMENT! It's escapism. It's not supposed to be your life. I don't want to watch a young man coming of age while dealing with his relationship, dysfunctional family, and dope fiend brother. I ALREADY FUCKING DID THAT! IN REAL LIFE! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO WATCH IT ON A SCREEN? I can't understand it. Hey, here's two hours of a couple trying to figure out how to make ends meet after the husband got laid off and is drinking too much. Hey, here's two-and-a-half hours of a family dealing with the death of a loved one. Hey here's three hours of a man going through a midlife crisis (not there yet, give me a couple more years).
WTF? Are people so hungry for horrible, depressing shit that they need to take time out of their depressing, shitty lives to go pay money that they earned working in their depressing, shitty jobs to watch actors portray fictional depressed people in fictional shitty lives (presumably with fictional, depressing, shitty jobs)?
I do not understand it. Go watch Indiana Jones, Big Trouble in Little China, John Woo movies, Empire Strikes Back, Lord of the Rings, Casablanca, muthafuckin' Die Hard. Shit you do NOT experience regularly.

But Troy still sucked. Don't watch that.

Side note:
OK. I used to be the lowest common denominator when it came to entertainment. I'd watch anything. But now, I'm sad to say, I'm not (I can't stand reality shows) but still, I'm pretty lame. So when I say there's something watchable on TV that could actually mean nothing's on that anyone else would want to watch. But when I say nothing's on then really, REALLY nothing's on.
That mini-rant courtesy of this weekend. The Ash-hole and I were watching TV. I said nothing was on and he still checked the damn guide. We ended up watching Jaws 3.
Also, when we were going to Blockbuster he actually said "My brains not working so let's not get a thinking movie." or something similar. Who the fuck do you think your talking to? I watched the Science Fiction Channel original movie "Webs" with Richard Grieco one night at 2am for Christ's sake! (It did suck ass however). I don't think we're gonna be getting Gosford Park (which also sucked but at least Webs was shorter).

Drinking music

If I owned a bar my Jukebox would have the following artists:
Tom Waits - I've had endrunkenings sneak up on me b/c of a Tom Waits playlist more times than I can count
Leonard Cohen - Just. The. Man.
Johnny Cash - Ditto
Richard Thompson - Friggin' awesome
George Thorogood - For that spiteful drinking
Frank Sinatra - Sentimental drinking
Billy Joel - Many will disagree with me here, saying he's not for proper drinking but sometime's Mr. Joel is perfect
Rollins band - For Angry Drinking
Stones - Of course. Older stones though.
Canned Heat - greatest hits
Men Without Hats, Talking Heads, etc. compilation - for fun drinking
Blondie - Just. The. Woman.
License to Ill - For throwback college drinking

More to come.

Sooo Tired

So tired. Cats kept me up last night. Even with the martinis (French instead of Boodles, sorry Mr. Wells but I was out) and congac nightcap (I found a replacement! I'll update soon) no sleep. Fuck work. No more science today. Guess I should work on something though.
On the bright side I did get a bottle of Macallan from The Dean and a bottle of Tullamore Dew from Cheddarback (Don got me a homewrecker o' Jack but it got drank at his party) so tonight may be pleasant. Plus both "The World Series of Poker" AND "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" are on so I need to figure out a way to catch up on my sleep today.

Asshole.

This guy. What an asshole. You make millions and can't take a little ribbing. I hope he gets suspended and loses a lot of money.
The worst part is the manager: "Tonight, it went over the line," Rangers manager Buck Showalter said. "It was a real break from the normal trash you hear from fans. We've had problems about every time we've come here."
Blaming the victims.
I really hate pro sports.

New Hero

This chick.
Screw work.

Recap

OK, my list of things to do went right out the window. Friday night at the Ash-holes was fabulous. They pimped out their abode and had wonderful homewreckers (1.75L) of Jack Daniels and Stoli for the endrunkening. Many of the Head's dearest friends were their, including the Missus, both Ash-holes, Turbo, The Kane Mutiny, Cheddarback, Big Dave, etc.
We stayed up until 4:30. We wrecked the homewreckers. Wonderful time. Everyone was trashed and actually listened to the long, repetitive, out of left field, go nowhere stories that we're all fond of telling when we're endrunkened.

Next day was going to be a tour of our old haunts but we were all crippled by hangovers. So we watched "The Punisher" (sucked, but was OK, considering our condition, for making fun of). Saturday night was a goat-roasting party at Don's where we found The Evil Doctor and The Dean. It got weird. People passing out in closets. People we didn't know cobra-ing up on people and cranking KID ROCK (!). Long, loooong, loooooooong stories. Long bad stories. Not entertaining like our typical ones. Stories about Nascar and dogs named Bon Jovi.

Sunday was breakfast at the Cozy Corner followed by picking up spices at "The Spice World" a stop at the "Up Down Tobacco Shop" and finally, the pinnacle: Drinks at "The Old Town Ale House" with the Missus, the Ash-holes, and The Dean. Kind of disappointing b/c instead of the standard old lady bartenders they had some young guy who kept leering at Mrs. Ash-hole and talking to the other cronies about her.

Also, the "Wow, look at the kids coming in here" and complaining how young people are ruining the bar from the cronies is getting old. Yes, I'm a genreation younger than you but I'm 30 for Christ's sake. When do you consider me a grownup?

And I guarantee I tip better than you so the staff would rather have a bunch of mes than a bunch of yous. They just tolerate you, you nasty old jerkoff.

Next weekend is Cleveland.

Expenditures

I just won a bunch of money gambling and I'm not sure whether to A) Retile my kitchen (sounds boring but it needs it), or B) Buy a gigundous friggin' TV. I'm leaning towards the latter. Other ideas would be appreciated.

Things to do in the Windy City

Have a Boodles martini or 3 at Club Lucky. This is where I first discovered the mighty Boodles thanks to The Dean.
Dinner at Cafe Absinthe.
Get ripped out of my fucking head at the Bob Inn. I hope they still have cheap Tullamore Dew there.
Breakfast at the Cozy Corner.
Go to a goat roasting party at Missouri Murphy's house. Get ripped out of my head.
Eat a giant burrito, maybe from Arturo's.
Complain about how fucking full I am after eating the abovementioned burrito.
Get into long convoluted arguments with the Ash-hole (and others) where we're raving like mad at each other until we figure out 45 minutes later we're both on the same side of the argument. Usually happens between 1 and 5 am.
Try to make it through one of Cheddarback's long-ass, go nowhere, drunken stories.
See Turbo dance to Journey's "Anyway you want it".
Have the Evil Doctor tell me I'm a dim bulb, devoid of humor, or some other EVism.
Will update.

Happy Day!

Chicago here I come!
I will march to victory on a road of bones.
I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs.
Time to get fat and drunk.

Arby's

My local Arby's is filled with incompetence.
POTATO CAKES! Not Curly Fries.
They screw up my order every week but Arby's is like crack so I keep going back.

Genius/ Idiot

George Lucas is a genius because he made the "Star Wars" Trilogy.
But he's a fucking moron because he managed to fuck it up. Not only the new movies but actually going back and ruining the first ones. I'm too tired to go into detail as to why I think the movies suck and also it appears everyone agrees with me so there's really no point ranting to the converted.
Via the Evil Doctor (I'll try and get a link for it):

'Jedi' returns with a revision.
Actor substituted for the finale scene in `Star Wars' trilogy DVD
By Bob Longino
Cox News Service
September 8, 2004

ATLANTA -- If you're a "Star Wars" purist, don't just hide your eyes--duck and cover. George Lucas once again has messed with your holy grail.The biggest rumor about the new "Star Wars" trilogy DVD, arriving in stores Sept. 21, is true. Lucas has inserted an image of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker into the finale of "Return of the Jedi." It replaces actor Sebastian Shaw's image from the original 1983 film in the scene where Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), following the defeat of the Empire, nods knowingly at a lineup of angelic Jedis, including Anakin, Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.This DVD trilogy--the first time "Star Wars," "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi" are being released in this context--is not a set of the original theatrical films but consists of the 1997 "Special Edition" versions in which Lucas added many new creatures and plopped in whole scenes.The 1997 version of "Star Wars," redubbed "Star Wars: Episode IV--A New Hope" in 1981, includes one of the most controversial changes in the series' history: the alien Greedo shooting his firearm first at Han Solo (Harrison Ford) in a nightclub standoff.Fans of the original films (the first was released in theaters in 1977, followed by the second in 1980 and the third in 1983) have been bemoaning this upcoming DVD release for months on the Internet. One Web site--originaltrilogy.com--has collected more than 60,000 signatures on a petition asking for a DVD release of the original theatrical trilogy.At least one other fresh change in the new DVD series is an updated computer-generated version of Jabba the Hutt for a talking scene with Solo that Lucas added to "Star Wars" for that film's special-edition version.On the trilogy's commentary tracks, Lucas does not explain the new changes, including the insertion of Christensen, when they occur. But he does at one point say on the "Jedi" DVD that he prefers digital imagery over the puppets and marionettes he frequently had to use in the first three films. Computer-generated imagery to him, it seems, looks more real.The trilogy DVD's extras contain a preview of sorts of the final "Star Wars" film to debut in May (it shows Christensen and Ewan McGregor rehearsing a duel with light sabers in street clothes and the making of Darth Vader's mask and helmet) and a new 2 1/2-hour documentary, revealing little-known facts about the series, including:- Screen tests of Kurt Russell, Cindy Williams and William Katt ("Carrie") auditioning for principal roles.- Lucas discussing how he considered not only making Luke Skywalker a dwarf, but also his sister Leia the hero.- Darth Vader never said, "I am your father" to Luke on the set of "The Empire Strikes Back." That was kept a secret and added later. But Hamill was told just before filming the scene.Ironically, the documentary in its segment on "Jedi" does contain one image Lucas might have missed: the finale lineup of Anakin, Yoda and Obi-Wan with Shaw, not Christensen, in his rightful place.Copyright (c) 2004, Chicago Tribune

Asshole.
Han Solo is supposed to be a bastard. Plus it's Greedo for Christ's sake. He's an alien. Killing one is a misdemeanor.

Bored.

I'm bored. So bored. Playing Inspector Parker on Yahoo and assorted MSN games. The Onion is new.
Go pay your respects to H.G. Wells. It's a fascinating blog and I'm in the current post.

The Head turns 30 this weekend. I will regale you with my drunken antics. I'm going on an exciting 3 weekend tour of the midwest! Chicago, Cleveland, and then home to Nashville.

I'm reading "Alexander the Great" by Paul Rutledge. Very disappointing. I'm on page 150 (out of ~350) and I feel like I'm still in the introduction. He basically keeps talking about and contrasting other historians' ideas about other events in Alex's life. He keeps recapping Alex's life and references major events (e.g. battles) but hasn't talked about those events in any kind of detail.
I hope it gets better. I was looking foward to this book.

Sorry for the trip into serious blogworld. I'll make up for it.

A new level

of drunkeness.
Via the Evil Doctor.

Labor and Aliens

Ahh, Labor Day. No matter what is asked of you just point out it's Labor Day, no laboring allowed.
Saw AVP last night. Was about what I expected happily enough. Why they didn't make this movie earlier is beyond me.
The point I'd like to make is how shitty parents are. I'm referring to what I like to call the "Jurassic Park Phenomena". This is where parents bring their kids to very inappropriate movies. It gets its name from the three Jurassic Park movies. I saw all of them in the theater and, sure enough, screaming hysterical kids everytime. I can see the little bastards: "Mommy, mommy, I wanna see the DINOSAURS!" and they go, and it's scary, and they scream, and I want to kill them all.
OK, maybe I can see the Jurassic Park thing. After all we're constantly pushing the dinosaurs on kids. But Alien vs. Predator? The Alien franchise is built along tension and big, scary monsters jumping out at you and ripping you to pieces. Dark, tight corridors, monsters erupting from chests, all of the likeable people dying a gory death. WTF? Why would you bring an 8 year old to this thing?
What kind of psychos would even think of bringing their kids to this? Movies are not babysitters. Instead of paying $6 for each kid, use that money for a babysitter.
I fucking hate kids in movies.

Rethinking the whole blockbuster pass thing.

OK, now that I've seen every movie on my A, B, and C list Blockbuster has, I'm pretty much dredging the pond. Almost any new release is fair game b/c I haven't seen it.
Here's the problem. "Taking Lives". Sickeningly bad. Not even in the "so bad it's watchable" genre. Just awful. A neverending shitpile of a movie.
And Angelina Jolie can't act. Plus she's got those caterpillars stuck to her face. I don't see the attraction there. They're huge and wrinkled and her bottom lip actually has a cleft in it.
Other than that she's attractive. But she can't act.
That movie sucked ass. You can see them putting in plot twists that have been done to death. And the ending. Ugh.
Just really terrible.
If I don't play cards tonight I'm going to watch "Mystic River" tonight. We'll see. I don't have high hopes for this movie. I'm anticipating some serious overacting in it.

I wonder what would happen if you could magically substitute Chris Penn for Sean Penn in all of his movies? I bet they'd all be wicked awesome.
Do the same with Daniel Baldwin substituting for Alec. Again, awesome. Can you imagine "Thomas the Tank Engine" with a coked-up Daniel?

Speaking of, you must see Daniel Baldwin's performance when he was on the World Poker Tour. Priceless. Geeked out of his skull, chanting "I'm the devil. Don't bet into the devil." Everyone was afraid of him. The ladies (Jennifer Tilly and Ming Na especially. They were saying that he was "scary" when they did the fluff interview with them. They didn't even do the standard interview with Danny-boy when he was knocked out.

Also, I'm considering lifting the boycott on Sonic. As much as those two tools in the commercial enrage me, the damn slushies, burgers, and new breakfast burrito with TATER TOTS (!) in it are wearing my resistance down.

Dog

I forgot yesterday to mention "Dog: The Bounty Hunter".
It's a new show on A+E and I actually changed the channel from The World Series of Poker to watch it.
So wonderful. "Dog" is an ex-biker/ ex-con/ born-again christian that is considered, by magazines that consider these things, to be "The World's Best Bounty Hunter". He has definitely apprehended some Big Time Crooks. The date raping Max Factor heir Andrew Luster being the one I remember (Luster totally looks like a rapist too). Some people may remember last year Dog was in the news b/c he got arrested in Mexico for illegally detaining Luster but still managed to get him to the US for trial.
I remember they had a picture of him (Dog) on CNN last year and were calling him "The World's Greatest Bounty Hunter". I remember thinking "Wow he looks like a Macho Man Randy Savage wannabe."
Now his show is on. Holy shit. I watched the double shot of Dog and I was trying to pick out a reference to date the show. Everyone is eighties-riffic. Dog is in a sleeveless muscle shirt. Oh yeah, a MESH sleeveless muscle shirt. And those Zubaz-like bodybuilding pants. And a SWEET thinning hair mullet. Everyone on the show looks similar to this style. I really thought that it was shot years ago and they are showing it now.
Then Dog said "In the words of Donald Trump - You're fired." And the whole world spun around me. IT'S NOW! They're being filmed NOW! That's the way they are NOW!
I should have realized that their cell phones seemed modern too.
Anyway, I love this show. It's like a more ridiculous "Cops". All of the criminals are shirtless, Dog lectures them when they are in custody, etc.
Watch it.

On a side note, for the pinnacle of ridiculousness, give a listen to Randy Savage singing "I'm Back". This point is not related to "Dog" except in that their appearance is so similar.

More boycotting

Sam Adams beer - Commercial with that "Always a good decision" guy. Plus, Sam Adams by all accounts was a slovenly drunk, not a buff stud. Also, that frigid bartender would not be impressed by those guys ordering a Sam Adams.

Fanta - those damn "Wanta Fanta?" girls. I can see what they're trying to do but I still hate it.

On a different note I think The Reuben is the greatest sandwich ever devised. I just had one and it was spectacular.

Che

Oh wow, I just remembered something from last night. Time magazine had one of those sidebar columns on a new Che Guevara sweater by Republica Trading Company. Guess how much they're selling it for? ONE HUNDRED NINETY EIGHT DOLLARS!!!! Per sweater. I'm torn between outrage and happiness. Outrage because Che was an asshole and got what he deserved and I hate all of these fuckers thinking they're original, edgy, and intellectual b/c they have a Che picture on a T-shirt. But happy because self-righteous morons are actually gonna shell out several times the average monthly (or yearly) income of many third world countries to show solidarity with their plight, opposition to capitalism, etc.
Irony - LOVE IT!
He killed a lot of people, people. Innocent people. He killed people for crazy reasons. There is a shirt out there that looks like all of the other CHe shirts but the caption is "Che deserved to die." I must have it.
Just like the sensitive intellectual types who have an Ezra Pound quote on their wall. Another horrible person who's hatefulness has somehow been forgotten.

Stomach problems

OK. The 1st post of the day will be concerned with two stomach problems. The 1st is mine. I just ate 3 big-ass bowls of Cookie Crisp and I feel sick as a dog. Normally the pain from Cookie Crisp is that it's like eating delicious razor blades and you cut up the roof of your mouth. Nope. Just overconsumption of Cookie Crisp.
2nd is a standard complaint many of us have. Low rise jeans are pretty popular. So are bellybutton shirts. For Christ's sake ladies, look at your self before you go out like that! It looks good on a very (very) small fraction of women. The rest should not wear that. Since I am on a college campus I think I'm exposed to this a lot more than your average person.
Well, shit, I might as well go on. Hey everyone, it's summer and all and sandals are cool and comfortable. But if you gonna wear them take care of your feet. I just rode up on an elevator with some guy in sandals who's feet looked like Nosferatu's hands.
Also, hey workout guy. I can see you not wearing a shirt during the day to get some sun but it's 9:30 at night. Put it back on. And carpet back guy? Just don't take it off.

Turbo sent me an interview with Vincent Gallo in The Onion. What an ass (Gallo, not Turbo. Well not Turbo this time). I'm not going to link it so go to The Onion if you want to read it.