These people should burn in a lake of fire.

OK. I like gambling. Within limits it's quite pleasurable. However, I realize like any other vice (several of which I have) some people have problems with self control and I'm engladdened (just made that up I think) when I see people with problems recognize that they have a problem and take steps to get their shit together.
Then you see this and - wow. I don't know how much of this is oversight and how much is just plain evil. The article basically says it all.

What I'm drinking

Damn it. I had a whole post written and my computer went down.
Anyhoo, here's some recommendations for you and a way of keeping track new hooch I like since now I never write down wines I like and have to go throught this long explanation of what I remember the bottle looking like every time I'm in the liquor store.

Table whiskey: JD. Good everyday drinking.
Irish whiskey: Tullamore Dew. Harder to get in Nashville than in Chicago (go figure). They actuall recommend Power's down here. Plus Power's is like $20 a bottle. Ridiculous.
Scotch: Macallan 12 year when I can afford it.
Vodka: Stolichnaya. At restaurants, Chopin.
Gin: Boodles. I started drinking this on recommendation that it was Winston Churchill's favorite gin (and there was a man who knew how to drink). I find it less "ginny" than Beefeater and Bombay Sapphire. I guess that's the juniper berry but I like martinis made with Boodles than those other two (but they'll do in a pinch).
Rum: Usually n/a but during the summer I like the ocassional daquiri and I ususally have Bacardi Silver for guests. Also my mother-in-law drinks 151 (explains a lot) so we usually have a partial bottle of that laying around.
Tequila: same as above except margarita instead of daquiri.
Port: Fonseca Bin 27.
Cognac: still looking for a replacement for Remy.
Goes-down-way-too-easy red wine: Peace. Inexpensive summery wine. We buy it by the case.
Red: Alamos Malbec. Update forthcoming after I get home and rummage through our recycling bin for the others.
Rose: Marques de Caceres Dry Rose, Rioja. There's another one we like but this is our staple rose. Update to come.
White: La Chablisienne Petit Chablis. Update to come.
Table beer: MHL
Fancy Beer: Guinness, Boddington's, Newcastle.

Et tu cable?

With all the news about the RNC I think people are losing sight of what's really important - like an issue I'm concerned with. Let me break it down for you.

Cable. It's wonderful. I've always been a cable man. I used to be a cable boy. Screw satellite. Too much interference with the signal and, worst of all, there seems to be a greater delay betweeen when you press the button on the remote and when the action that is triggered by the button occurs. We're probably talking about tens or hundreds of milliseconds, but they really add up over time.
But for the first time I am considering switching from cable to -ugh- satellite.
See, I'm the top-tier cable customer. I have their premium package on three TVs and cable internet on my computer. And I frequently get pay-per-view movies (actual nonporn movies). You would think they'd want to keep people like me happy.
I was very excited to see that my cable company started offering OnDemand movies. For those of you savages that don't know what this is, it's basically like a pay-per-view movie that you have control of. You press the button on your remote and the movie starts. You have to drain the lizard, you pause it. You need to run to the store because your out of whiskey, you stop it. Rewind, fastfoward etc. You get a day to watch this movie. Same price as a rental movie and no late fees.
OK, along with this is a bunch of other free features. If you subscribe to HBO, Cinemax, Starz, etc. you get to see some of their movies for free in the same way. Also several other cable channels including the big dog - Adult Swim. Just imagine, Aqua Teen Hunger Force whenever you want.
Now we come to the problem. The signal kinda sucks. I notice it's better on the pay stuff than on the free stuff but, even then, it's no prize. I figured it's something that they can just fix, so the missus calls Comcast. They guy says that the problem is that I have three boxes and that's what's degrading the signal.
What? First off, and I could be completely wrong in my thinking here, I thought it was a digital signal. Resistant to this kind of shit. Digital.
Anyway, that's not my point. He said that in order to fix it I need an "amplifier". Great, send one out. What? They cost $80? Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to charge me $80 because I am too good a customer? That if I had cable on one crummy TV I'd be fine, but since I'm an uber-consumer it's going to cost me more money on top of the monster bill I'm footing right now just to get the same service that all of the single-TV mouthbreathers out there already get?
So to wrap up, indignent letter, email, and phone call sent (how do you send a phone call?). Awaiting reply. No free amplifier and DirectTV here I come.

You know what I hate?

Survivalist-type folk. Especially those that live in urban or suburban areas (posers?). These are the people that keep a strong hold on their roots in hickville (no offense, I come from a town of 3K), make their own clothes, refuse to get anything form "big corporations", and are constantly on some DIY project. They berate people who are "city slickers" and "book learned" - talking about "If the power grid went out you'd be screwed." or "If the government collapsed you'd be screwed." or "If there was a nuclear holocaust and you survived it you'd be screwed" or "If there was a plague and you survived it..." - you get the idea.
They keep talking about if all of these unlikely events occur I'd be screwed because I don't have their sweet training on how to live in the "real world". I don't even hunt or own any guns! How will I get my own food and defend mah prop-ar-tay? (one guy brags about how great a shot his wife is - that's what I look for in a woman)
Listen up jerkass. This is the real world. Right here. With grocery stores and mechanics and Starbucks. We also have bars and liquor stores (I know guys that make their own booze. Even though they live IN THE CITY). I love air conditioning. I love the police and fire dept. I love all of the services the city provides like SEWERS. My training lets me have a good job. Sure I can't McGuyver myself up a convection oven from rubber bands and an empty cigarette pack but as long as this is the real world I'm gonna be OK and your gonna be an ignorant 'neck. If that changes you can tell my carcass roasting on your spit "I told you so" but until then you can kiss my ass.

Pretty snobby post. Sorry.

I can't stand Vincent Gallo

Just can't. Reading up on his new movie "The Brown Bunny" I just can't believe what a narcissistic ass this guy is. He's quite often the writer, director, producer, editor, and STAR of his movies. And supposedly he got Chloe Sevigny to actually have sex with him in this movie.
Often the movies wouldn't be terrible if he wasn't actually acting in them.
"Truth or Consequences, N.M." would have been OK without him. He was terrible in "The Funeral" but at least it was watchable due to Christopher Walken was in it. (And Chris Penn is the best Penn brother)
It reminds me of the movie "Habit" where Larry Fessenden writes, directs, and stars in the movie. Although the movie's so bad it just might be worth watching. Gotta love it when the male lead is a butt-ugly, fall-down drunk who's missing a front tooth. At least he gets some hot vampire sex.

Also, watched "Hidalgo" last night. Terrible. Hey, I have Blockbuster Movie Pass so it's unlimited rentals are making me attempt to watch every movie in the store. Really a good deal though.
Seriously though, I would think Viggo Mortensen would try to do a movie where he's not riding a horse so he doesn't get typecast as "the horse-riding guy" after LOTR.

Speaking of, and while I'm ranting waiting for lunch, questionable career decisions: Orlando Bloom. OK, LOTR - big break for the unknown actor. He's a pretty boy so he can make some crazy money opening movies b/c every 8-18 year old girl (and Sarah) will go fawn over him. What's his next two big films? "Pirates of the Carribean" and "Troy". With Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt respectively. Orlando can't act (yes he was good as Legolas in LOTR but that his particular brand of overacting was tailor made for that character), he needs to be in movies where he's the prettiest person in there, and he goes in movies with Depp and Pitt? Another post-LOTR movie is "Ned Kelly" with Heath Ledger, who's basically got the same appeal as Mr. Bloom so he's splitting the vote there. He should fire his agent.

I should punch myself in the nuts for using "LOTR". Especially that many times.

New Jaw.

Wow. This guy had his mandible removed due to a tumor. They then grew him a new one in a titanium cage implanted in his back and attached it and he now eats bratwurst and steak.
Although it's funny that he complains that, since it will be little while before they can implant teeth, he has to cut his steak into such small pieces that it gets cold by the time he's to the end of it.
I think he needs some perspective on the whole situation.

Bond, James Bond

So we're coming up on the 50th anniversary of Casino Royale.
I love James Bond but they often refer to the part of the book where Bond orders his first martini.

"A dry martini," he said. "One. In a deep champagne goblet.""Oui, monsieur.""Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon-peel. Got it?"

That's the part, and I'll have to look it up, but I remember after this that Fleming wrote something along the lines of the bartender being pleased that Bond knew exactly how he wanted his drink made. Has this bartender ever existed? I don't know a single bartender that would think this. All Bond would be is a dick yuppie who's probably not even going to tip.

That reminded me. Go subscribe to www.todayinliterature.com
It's fantastic.

The Longest Yard

I just saw they were going to remake "The Longest Yard". Adam Sandler is gonna play Burt Reynolds' character (Burt's gonna play the coach).
Not sure how I feel about this. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.


P.S. Chris Rock's gonna play the caretaker. That's cool.

Stupid teachers, this ain't college

From the NYT via Arts and Letters Daily, an article about the books ELEMENTARY SCHOOL teachers give their students.
Currently, this is a frequent subject of my rants. Newspapers and TV news have recently been harping on how Americans don't read, we're getting dumber, etc. etc.
I think a huge part of the problem is the books we're given in our formative reading years. They (the teachers) give books from elementary school through high school that are way too advanced, or way too boring, for the students b/c these books are "classics" and, in the teachers mind, build a base for appreciating and understanding literature. Ridiculous bullshit. In the lower grades, kids are learning how to read and then trying to build up the endurance or attention span to get through an entire book. Don't give them James Joyce (I'm still convinced nobody has ever read "Ulysses" all the way through), give them J.K. Rowling. In the upper grades they're more advanced but most likely need to develop some skills in critically analyzing what they read. I think the idea is to get them to see reading as a pleasant hobby and -gasp- a way of aquiring knowledge, not something that has to be endured so they don't fail.
Right now it's like someone going against Bobby Fischer (crazy bastard) before they learn how all the pieces move.
Pretty substandard rant on my part. Actually I think it's just a comment. I do much better on the subject barside.

P.S. I just posted this and read it and found an unprecedented number of typos, spelling errors, and other problems. I've corrected many but there may still be some lurking. It's one of those days.

From the Seattle Times

Supermice!
Here's something that could, medically, really help people and the news always talks about the performance-enhancing possibilities.
Can you imagine? World-class athletes sitting on the couch, eating 15,000 calories a day, setting world records, and most likely burning out like a match and dying at 27.
At least they won the gold.

Flirting with boycott

Miller High Life.
Again, this is a Burger King level decision. This is the beer at my grandfather's bar for Christ's sake and a summer staple.
What is making me think this? Those fucking Miller High Life Light commercials. The ones that are supposed to appeal to manly men doing manly things. Changing your oil. Trimming your trees. Slapping your spouse around. OK, I made that last one up but the tone of the commercial makes me think of these kinds of guys sitting around in a stained wife-beater drinking beer with their buddies and teaching the li'l missus not to sassmouth.
Anyway, the one I find most annoying is the one where they're making fun of the middle-aged or old guy jogging ("Another 'man' with too much time on his hands. Save the tracksuit for a day at the track."). It goes on, but the jist I get is that they're making fun of a guy for exercising. And they're selling beer.
So drink beer and don't exercise. That will make you manly. And would it kill you to blow your paycheck betting on the ponies? I have a sure thing in the 6th race at Steepledown.

Olympic athlete whining about losing

and it's not an American!

Bitch.

Freaks

The Onion has a review on "Freaks". I love this movie. The scenes between Hans and Frieda can make anyone a little misty.
I love the fact they used actual circus freaks in this movie.
Also the ending is creepy, but the creepiest part is around the table when the freaks are chanting "You're one of us" to the trapezist.
Harry and Daisy Earles (the little people Hans and Frieda in the movie) actually left show business to work in a circus. After "Freaks" the only movie I know they were in was "The Wizard of Oz" as - yep - munchkins.

The Casino

So I've been watching "The Casino" for a couple of weeks now and can't figure out why the casino owners want this show on the air. Sure it's free advertising but they keep showing horrible things. This one family's kids wanted to go to Disneyland for vacation and the parents decided to go to Vegas first, win a bunch of money (at roulette no less - Dosteyevsky would be proud - morons), and then take the kids to Disneyland. Guess what happened. Go on, guess.
Yep, the dad lost all the money (at roulette - go figure) and they had to just go back home, broke. He also blamed his wife for distracting him and, at one point, consulted a PSYCHIC to give him his lucky numbers. He also had a system (again - for ROULETTE!). Sorry kids.
In last night's episode part of the show was dedicated to a problem gambler. He pawned his gun and WEDDING RING to go play craps. How bad was this guy? When he was pawning his WEDDING RING the hock shop guy offered him $60. This was after the guy said "Those are real diamonds". Know what he said? "Can't you make it 80?". Guess how he did?
Also, they kept referring to him as an "ex-cop/ gambling addict". What the hell does being an ex-cop have to do with anything? Who cares what he did for a living before? You might has well said "ex-child/ gambling addict".
And the "High Rollers" who got engaged, want their bachelor (and bachelorette) party, and the wedding at the casino are super annoying.
And last, the wannabe host, Tommy. What a wang. I would be so pissed if I were a high roller and came to the casino and this smarmy little shit was my host. He's terrible. And when he gets yelled at he smiles and giggles nervously. This is a host?
I thought hosts were the guys who could get you hookers and drugs. C'mon, I lost six-figures here and you give me a chubby, bald weenie who comps me the breakfast buffet and misses meetings with me? Where's my drugs? Where's my hookers?

I can't stand Cornel West

Here's another long diatribe with big words and sentences that brings nothing useful to the debate. Sort of like Stanley Fish. Although rarely I'll enjoy one of his crazy, convoluted, been-in-the-ivory-tower-way-to-long-and-believe-it-when-people-tell-me-I'm-brilliant rants that are standard for his Chronicle articles.

http://www.logosjournal.com/west.htm

These "celebrity" academics are a bunch of overeducated, self-congratulating douchebags travelling the country telling people what to think for a large honorarium. "If you disagree with me that means you're just too stupid to think on my level." If this were a real blog I'd rant about all this it but I have to write some comments on "The Casino".

I'm going to preempt the Evil Doctor's snide comment.
Shut up Evil Doctor.

Wow.

Courtesy of the Evil Doctor. I have no idea how he finds this shit.

Pimps.

Truly amazing.

Strippers

I'm rereading "Stripper Lessons" by John O'Brien. Others dislike it but I still think it's an amazing book. Passages like him fretting over "the whole Light thing" are priceless.
Too bad he killed himself before he finished "Assault on Tony's" but it's still worth reading.

Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip

No matter how shitty his movies get (i.e. "Hollywood Homicide", "Six Days, Seven Nights") Harrison Ford was Han Solo AND Indiana Jones.
We should never forget that.

Poor Jane Pauley

So she wrote a book about her horrible ordeal with mental illness and the warning sign was "making constant, grand plans such as producing her own line of clothing."? Oh my, she's lucky she's still alive!
Not "I stole from my kid's piggy bank to gamble/ take drugs/ get underage hookers" or attempted suicide, homicide, etc. She didn't even lose her job or alienate friends and family.
Or maybe she did and it's all in the book. I can see it now: "When I was in my depressive stage I was turning tricks outside the 'Dateline' studio".

Here's the whole thing. CNN is gold today.

Has everyone gone crazy?

1. A little girl had her First Communion invalidated b/c her wafer had no wheat in it. Oh yeah, it's important to know that she had a disorder where she can't eat wheat. Bastards.

Jerks.

2. Joe Piscopo is considering a run for the soon-to-be-vacated post of New Jersey govenor. Doesn't NJ already have enough jokes about it?

Danny Vermin

3. A girl with Crohn's disease was refused admittance to the bathroom at an Old Navy by the manager. She ended up soiling herself (diarrhea) and her mother had to actually buy an outfit at that Old Navy for her to change into. I deleted the email with the link but will try and get it. This story courtesy of Cheddarback.

Another update from the Missus

She also informed me that the old man/ old motor oil/ stale booze smell has a strong component of creosote in it. I had to look that up

cre·o·sote
1. A colorless to yellowish oily liquid containing phenols and creosols, obtained by the destructive distillation of wood tar, especially from the wood of a beech, and formerly used as an expectorant in treating chronic bronchitis.
2. A yellowish to greenish-brown oily liquid containing phenols and creosols, obtained from coal tar and used as a wood preservative and disinfectant. It can cause severe neurological disturbances if inhaled in strong concentrations.

I married Al Borland.

A couple of things I'm currently boycotting due to their advertising

Disaronno Amaretto - due to that commercial where the bartender says "Disaranno on the rocks. Well well." Like she's so mysterious and intriguing because she ordered that. Plus, who says "Well well"? I'm not sure how you punctuate that. And, I'm sorry to say this b/c the guy's probably nice, but could they find a bigger cheeseball to play the bartender or what?
I wrote them about this and got a form letter back.

Chrysler - Celine Dion. Enough said. I'm sure my boycott is crushing them though since the last time I bought a new car is... never.

Burger King - Jesus H. Christ, I never in a million years thought that the mighty Burger King could ever offend me enough to make me boycott it. But those "Office commercials" where they keep picking on the one guy (like the one where he tries to get a catchphrase ["I'm spicy"] and that Vince Vaughn-looking jerk picks on him) enrage me. Which demographic are they going for here? Ex-bullies? I lived on BK in college - the 99 cent whopper - and thought our love would never die.
Also their Angus burger sucks. Usually I don't go for the new sandwiches at places but it's BURGER KING so I tried it. How does BURGER KING screw up a BURGER? Go to Hardee's. They were on boycott, not for advertising but for sucking, and their commercials where they basically said "We know we were terrible, now we're better" got me to retry them and their Angus Burgers kick a lot of ass.

Remy Martin - Even as a broke grad student I always had Remy V.S.O.P. for special occasions (i.e. "Happy Tuesday"). All I have to say is "Remy Red"? Seriously, you're fucking Remy Martin. "Remy Red"? Mixing with fruit juice? You sons-of-bitches.
I'm currently looking for a replacement. For now I'm drinking port after dinner.
I'm not sure if this should be on the list since it's more of a new product/ betrayal reason for boycotting rather than advertising but it's still there.

My lovely wife just informed me theat there's also Remy Purple. Ugh.

More to come.

Side track

As much as I don't want to consider anything that anyone else would consider serious here, I can't resist posting a link to this post by Ken Layne that I found via www.michaelberube.com

God of War

Soon everything will be derogatory

From "Tongue Tied":

Ananova says there’s a group in Holland that wants to ban the word 'thin' from the dictionary because it's insulting to underweight people.
The group, called Small Intestines Anonymous, claims to represent people who struggle to put on weight. It says the word 'thin' is a term of abuse used by 'fat over-rulers' to put down slender people.
The organization wrote to a Dutch dictionary publisher demanding that it omit the word from reference books and plans to present a 3,000-name petition on the topic to the Dutch Minister of Education, Culture and Sciences.

The Da Vinci code

I read "The Da Vinci Code" in a couple of days. I thought it was an entertaining and well written thriller for beach reading. Then all of a sudden it was on the cover of Newsweek, etc. and all over TV. People talking about how it changed their lives and taught them a lot they didn't know about Catholicism, Jesus, and the Renaissance. First off, what kind of people get their lives changed by a book they read in an airport? Second, IT'S FICTION! YOU'RE NOT LEARNING SHIT!
Yes, the Catholic Church, Harvard, and even Opus Dei exist. So what? Is "Casablanca" true because WWII happened?
One interviewee in some damn magazine (I forget which one) said something along the lines of "I think the book is great. The only information I had about Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail was from pop culture before I read this book."
That's so fucking stupid I can't even say any more about it or my head will explode.
OK, I will. The only information I had about the Holy Grail was from pop culture before I saw "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade". Hey, there were Nazis so it must be true.
I think I'll write my thesis on the Ark of the Covenant. Thank God for George Lucas.

BOOM!

Here's a long article on the Da Vinci Code from some College-type Guy on some of the art in this book. I love the term "Art History Lite".

http://www.tnr.com/doc.mhtml?pt=WFwOR/YBdZvtyUzIsWqCtw====

Next of Kin

I was watching "Next of Kin" last week or the week before and it probably has the most ridiculous ending in it. Not that the rest of the movie's much better. Patrick Swayze's a hillbilly that moved up to Chicago and became a cop. Bill Paxton is his brother that also lives in Chicago and does some small time stuff for the mob. Bill gets killed by the main mafia hood (the ever villainous Adam Baldwin - Animal Mother in "Full Metal Jacket"). Swayze's going to solve the crime within the boundaries of the law but his job is complicated by the arrival in the Windy City of his other brother, Liam Neeson, who's out for hillbilly justice. To get to the ending, Liam gets killed and Swayze decides to return to his upbringin' and take those bastards down. Final action scene is set in a cemetery in Chicago with Swayze and his bow and arrow, crossbow, and knife vs. Adam Baldwin and assorted thugs with machine guns.
Just when Swayze's about had it (when he snuck up behind a hood, whistled, and threw a knife at the hood he got shot in the leg) the calvary arrives! Everyone hears these bird calls and Swayze starts doing them. His kin from the hills have come to exact vengeance! Now they proceed to take the mob folk apart using throwing hatchets, bow and arrows, really old shotguns, hound dogs, and, I shit you not, a bus full of snakes. Before long the head mob guy (Adam Baldwin's boss) comes in and stops everything and decides the hillbillies can go free and Adam's gonna die for killing his son, Ben Stiller.
Also it's the first movie I can remember Ben Stiller being in (although I just looked him up on imdb.com and he did a couple before this one) as the head mob guy's son. His outfits are eighties-riffic. His performance is probably better than most of the other crap he's done though.

Grand Theft Auto

I'm trying to preorder "GTA: San Andreas" and, in my reading of the press releases, noticed that the main character is an African-American from 1990s South Central LA. I expect a lot of racism charges on this one (even though the last two games had caucasian main characters) in addition to the normal "this game is destroying out childrens' minds/ society" stuff that always comes out against GTA.
We'll see.

Work etiquette

OK, when your boss asks where so-and-so is and (s)he's not in yet, and you don't hate this person but are afraid to lie (sissy), do not say "He's not in yet."
Try: "His stuff is here but I don't know where he is." or "I just saw him a little while ago" (because you did - yesterday, last week, etc. - time is relative).
Also, when he is sneaking in late and you're in the office talking to the boss do NOT lean out of the door and say "Good Morning!" loudly to them.
Am I the only one who understands this?

Also, I just was in one of the elevators and it had that old man/old motor oil/ stale booze smell that I thought only existed in some dive bars during the late morning or early afternoon. It's heinous. I can't get it out of my nostrils.

Drunk driver pulls over cop

This one is sweet. A drunk driver pulls up to a cop, rolls his window down and tells the cop to arrest him - he's drunk.

Pedophile scientist

And it's not Gajdusek.

http://www.biomedcentral.com/news/20040805/02

Disturbing

I got this from "Tightly Wound"

http://www.wftv.com/news/3643877/detail.html

Where'd all the poop go?

Things I wish would disappear forever.

"Morning Zoo" radio programs. I hate them. A bunch of idiots sitting around doing prank calls and lame sex jokes. I just want to hear music in the mornings. Something with a good driving beat that keeps me awake so I don't plow into the person in front of me.
Now I'm not against some morning shows. Howard Stern back in the day was great but I just cannot stand these idiots. One always has a shitty nickname (e.g. Welcome back to Howie and the Iceman! We got a twelve-pack for out 5th caller and coming up in the next hour we're gonna prank call the governor!)
I hate them so much.